Abusive speech is a dangerous weapon!

It is said that words have power - the power to heal and the power to hurt.
We all know this to be true.  We all know that a kind word goes a long way and that a cruel comment lingers long after the moment has passed.  Verbal abuse can destroy confidence, trust and respect... and lead to physical violence.  Do our quiz and find out if you are in a verbally abusive relationship.

Quiz – Are you being verbally abused?
Abusive speech is a dangerous weapon
Definitions of verbal abuse
A common myth about verbal abuse
If you think you are being verbally abused
Do you justify his verbal abuse?
Verbal abuse destroys confidence
What you can do about verbal abuse
Where to go for Help


Take a moment to consider these questions:

• Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
• Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
• Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
  

QUIZ: ARE YOU BEING VERBALLY ABUSED?

1. Does your partner sometimes embarrass you or criticise you in front of other people?
2. Do you avoid disagreeing with your partner’s opinions or voicing your own opinions?
3. Has your partner’s behaviour prevented you from inviting friends or family to your home?
4. Do you sometimes feel that nothing you do is ever ‘good enough’ to please your partner?
5. Does your partner often claim to be right even when the opposite is obvious?
6. Do you sometimes wonder why you ‘feel so bad’ and so lonely?
7. Does your partner often seem irritated or angry with you for no reason?
8. Do you sometimes try to discuss matters and resolve issues with your partner but your
   partner says that you are just trying to start another argument?
9. Does your partner sometimes steer the conversation towards an argument and then leave
   the house ‘in a huff’ for a few hours?
10. Is your partner often unnecessarily ‘rude’ to you when you phone to discuss something?
11. Does your partner twist your words and shift the blame for arguments by saying you caused them?
12. Does your partner turn minor incidents into major arguments?
13. Does your partner have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
14. Does your partner insult you or call you derogatory names – either in private or in front of other people/family?
15. Have you ever lied to a friend or relative about why you are upset with your partner?
16. Do you live in fear of your partner’s mood swings?
17. Does your partner accuse you of mixing with the wrong people?
18. Is your partner dismissive of your opinions?
19. Do you get anxious or nervous when you have to relay ‘bad’ news to your partner?
20. Has it been isolated incidents or is the behaviour repeated and ongoing?

If you answered YES to three questions, and they are regular occurrences in your life, then there
is a strong possibility that your relationship is becoming abusive. You need to work on building your confidence and assertiveness.

If you answered YES to more than 3 but less than 6 questions, and these incidents happen
regularly, then you are probably in a verbally abusive relationship. You need to value yourself more – no-one deserves to be abused.

If you answered YES to more than 6 questions, and they are regular occurrences in your life, then you are in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. You deserve better – you need to get help or get out. Remember that verbal abuse can often lead to physical abuse.


ABUSIVE SPEECH IS A DANGEROUS WEAPON

It is said that words have power – the power to heal and the power to hurt. We all know this to be true. We all know that a kind word goes a long way and that a cruel comment lingers long after the moment has passed.

Abusive speech is often quite subtle... a person may be verbally abusive or abused and not be aware of it. You may have been verbally abused for so long that you have no idea how to break the cycle of abuse in which you seem trapped.


WHAT EFFECT DOES VERBAL ABUSE HAVE?

Verbal abuse is damaging to the spirit. It takes the joy and vitality out of life. Low self-esteem and lack of confidence can be a direct result of having been undermined by verbal abuse.


DEFINITIONS OF VERBAL ABUSE

Verbal abuse is the use of language to manipulate, control, ridicule, insult, humiliate, belittle and show disrespect and disdain to another person, and often leads to other types of abuse.

Verbal Abuse is comprised of any of the following:

• Name calling; mocking; accusing; blaming; yelling; swearing; insulting; making humiliating remarks or gestures.
• The abuser often uses pressure tactics - rushing you to make decisions by making you feel guilty or stupid or inexperienced, or through other kinds of intimidation.
• The abuser usually claims to be right (insisting that what he says is ‘the truth’), orders you around or makes important decisions without you.
• The abuser often makes fun of your behaviour – does not take your opinions seriously or mocks you or your friends and family.

The verbal abuser is often disrespectful towards you by interrupting you, changing topics, not listening, or not responding to your questions, twisting your words, putting you down in front of other people, saying bad things about your friends and family.

The abuser usually denies it by saying the abuse didn’t happen or shifting responsibility for his abusive behaviour by saying that you caused it.


A COMMON MYTH ABOUT VERBAL ABUSE

Some people don't believe that verbal and emotional abuse are real because they don't leave any concrete, tangible effects. A person who is physically battered, for instance, can point at the bruises on their arms and at their broken bones and have solid evidence that something happened.


DO YOU JUSTIFY HIS VERBAL ABUSE?

You may have answered, "Well, yes, but he does it because he loves me, or because he worries about me, or he doesn't realise he's doing it."

This is very important: You may have said, "Yes, he does this or that, but it's only because he loves me, or because he is afraid of what might happen to me."

Often a verbal abuser is quite sensitive to outsiders finding out about the abuse and is very careful to save these scenes for the home environment only. Many verbal abusers are delightful, charming men in public. They treat their spouse or girlfriend with such respect that people often think they "are the perfect couple." They save their cruelty for a private audience of one.


Verbal Abuse Destroys Confidence.

Repeated verbal abuse such as blaming, ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling and humiliation has long-term negative effects on a woman's self-worth and contributes to feelings of uselessness, worthlessness and self-blame.

Many men and women are openly verbally cruel and abusive. Others are more subtle. Although verbal abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often seriously damaging to your sense of self-worth.

One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem.
As women begin to internalise the criticism and believe it's valid, self-worth sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, and unlovable. They may even start thinking that when someone who knows them so well thinks they are worthless and unlovable, then "it must be true."


WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT verbal ABUSE

If you are in a verbally or emotionally abusive relationship, start by acknowledging the abuse. This is not an easy thing to do, especially as your self-esteem is weakened. Outside help may be necessary because family, friends, and relatives are often under the spell of your "charmer" and don't offer belief or support.

• You are not to blame.
• Keep a record of all incidents for evidence. Keep it in a safe place where it won't be found.
• Develop a safety plan. Memorise emergency numbers What do I do if I need help urgently.
• Consider FIXING or terminating the relationship as soon as possible.
  Without intervention, his verbal abuse will increase in frequency and severity as time passes.
• Recognise that no one has the right to control you and that it is everyone's human right to live without fear.
• Make plans to create a better environment for yourself. Don't stay too long, though, because every time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your chances of actually leaving.
• Work on developing your self-confidence and building your self-esteem.
• GET HELP links What do I do if I need help urgently – you don’t have to be alone on this journey.

WHERE TO GO FOR HELP

You are not alone - we are here for you - help is just a phone call away.
Click here: Where do I go to for help and you will be taken to a list of organisations that can help you.